I’m Floundering …

I’m floundering
Eight years in.
Hypnotherapy man
He’s made me think,
Question things.
Am I really OK?
Do I need help?
Is there another way?

Up to now
I’ve read my books
Books were my friends and teachers
Maybe now 
They’re not enough
Real experience is needed.

He set me thinking
Which is good, I think
And made me question things
The teacher comes
When you’re ready
So the saying goes.
Doors open 
You awaken
Heart and mind and thought.

A friend of mine
Made a suggestion
To see a friend of hers
Training in NLP
and other therapies
Too good 
An opportunity to miss,
Sign me up, I said!
And to Carole I go
In a certain amount
of trepidation.

A ‘Want List’ I’ve prepared.
A list of things I’m aiming for …
A campervan, a trip to Oz,
To write my book,
To go with James to Zambia 
To be happy and guilt free.

Guilty I’ve been
About spending money
On me,
Not James, of course.
But now I’m doing well
After years of struggle
But Gaban died 
To get me there.
This feeling haunts me still
And makes me scared
Of having things for me.

I sit in Carole’s kitchen
A lovely space
So bright and clean
Full of positivity.
I’m nervous,
But she's calm 
 And soon puts me at ease.

To my list we look
And see
My writing is the priority.

It’s interesting
It was always there
Since I started journaling
In Zambia with Gaban.
The intention publication
Since then 
life’s changed
Now I’m left
With a different story.
I’ve worked on it
On and off
But always lacked 

We do a simple visualisation
Setting a strong intention
I’ll finish the book
To present to James
On 31st of December 2010

Of course, I didn’t make that deadline
But it got me going again.
I pulled together the Zambian section
And felt at last some unity.

Carole’s sessions were amazing
They galvanised activity
That year I bought my campervan
Spending money on me,
Freedom now
For holidays
Camping with a twist.

That trip to Zambia
booked too.
A special holiday
In memory of Gaban.
I couldn’t do it as he would
Real Zambia, as I had seen
But the best way that I could
South Luwangwa National Park
For a great safari
The Victoria Falls
Mosi ao Tunya
In all their amazing glory
A holiday pending for years
But we were glad we’d waited
Which James, 
At 20,
Totally appreciated.
To stand on Zambian soil
His Dad’s homeland
An intense emotional journey.

So, Carole’s sessions
Something deep in me
These things I did
For which there’d been
So much procrastination.
It was an impressive confirmation
Of the power
Of the therapeutic situation.

© Gill Tembo 2019

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