
Gaban was a dream At least that’s how I see it now Of course, we had a few Incidental ups and downs I’ve dabbled with romance Since he died, I have to say But loss of independence Was the price I had to pay. Controlling men, I went for Perhaps to cover up The void that was inside me. An easy way to live Under constant supervision OK for a while, Cocooned in that joyous bubble Of early sexual pleasure And constantly being together. Long-term a real disaster As the true me blossomed forth Unable to maintain at all Any intimacy of sorts As I felt trapped, hemmed in, so structured Till I reached boiling point Explosion the only answer As I pulled us both apart. Away I’d walk So light and free But sadly all this gaiety Didn’t last too long, And then I’d find myself Looking for another man. Round and round I went With my hormones surging Desperate for another love Unhappy, sad and missing All the things I’d had before If I could replace it all Then I’d be OK, I’m sure. It took a while I have to say Before I saw this pattern. Until I reached a point inside When to be alone was preferable To all the anguish and the pain Of another failed encounter Going from sunshine to heavy rain. Not a failure really Each relationship holds a learning All part of the adventure Of this eternal life As I moved from one liaison To another seaching For my perfect life. I remain open to the option Never close that door! He could be round the corner Of that you can be sure. But of an evening When I’m on my sofa with my telly I cannot help wondering If this is how it’s meant to be! There must be a middle road Where I can find a lover Yet maintain my independence My ‘me time’ and my space Without the interference Of a man right in my face! To that I strive A happy medium Where we both can thrive! I’d like to share I want to share But I need someone Who will be fair And not want to dominate Take over, take control, I cannot tolerate Any friendships That are like that. I need freedom To think and breathe And my privacy To maintain me. On that point I will not compromise I want it all What’s wrong with that? I’m worth it And I’ve so much To give back! © Gill Tembo, July 2019