Gaban was a dream …

Gaban was a dream
At least that’s how I see it now
Of course, we had a few
Incidental ups and downs

I’ve dabbled with romance
Since he died, I have to say
But loss of independence
Was the price I had to pay.

Controlling men, I went for
Perhaps to cover up
The void that was inside me.
An easy way to live
Under constant supervision
OK for a while,
Cocooned in that joyous bubble
Of early sexual pleasure
And constantly being together.

Long-term a real disaster
As the true me blossomed forth
Unable to maintain at all
Any intimacy of sorts
As I felt trapped, hemmed in, so structured
Till I reached boiling point
Explosion the only answer 
As I pulled us both apart.

Away I’d walk
So light and free
But sadly all this gaiety
Didn’t last too long,
And then I’d find myself
Looking for another man.

Round and round I went
With my hormones surging
Desperate for another love
Unhappy, sad and missing
All the things I’d had before
If I could replace it all
Then I’d be OK, I’m sure.

It took a while I have to say
Before I saw this pattern.
Until I reached a point inside
When to be alone was preferable
To all the anguish and the pain
Of another failed encounter
Going from sunshine to heavy rain.

Not a failure really
Each relationship holds a learning
All part of the adventure
Of this eternal life
As I moved from one liaison
To another seaching
For my perfect life.

I remain open to the option
Never close that door! 
He could be round the corner
Of that you can be sure.

But of an evening
When I’m on my sofa with my telly
I cannot help wondering
If this is how it’s meant to be!

There must be a middle road
Where I can find a lover
Yet maintain my independence
My ‘me time’ and my space
Without the interference 
Of a man right in my face!

To that I strive
A happy medium
Where we both can thrive!

I’d like to share
I want to share
But I need someone
Who will be fair
And not want to dominate
Take over, take control,
I cannot tolerate
Any friendships
That are like that.
I need freedom 
To think and breathe
And my privacy
To maintain me.

On that point
I will not compromise
I want it all
What’s wrong with that?
I’m worth it
And I’ve so much
To give back!

© Gill Tembo,  July 2019

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