Finishing touches to the book – but how do I feel?

My book went back yesterday
I hope for the last time
Two very small corrections
Added to the list to do.

I feel so very proud of it
But even yesterday
It was so very hard
To sit down and attend 
To the work 
I needed to do.

There is a part of me
I’m sure
That is so very, very
Reluctant and sad
To say goodbye.

Don’t get me wrong
There’s joy and relief too
Buckets loads of it
But there’s just that little something
A questioning
How will it be now?

Those pages have been part of me
For so many years
Keeping the past close by
In a cupboard
Where I could go
And live it, so
I didn’t have to say goodbye.

One thing I’ve learnt
In all these years
Is what a strange bedfellow
Grief is!

I saw my sister yesterday
Her husband died six years ago
And yesterday
Their wedding anniversary
And I’d forgotten.

We had a drink
And toasted Ron
And I came away
Feeling sad
Carrying Julie’s loss
And mine.

After eighteen years
I still find it 
Impossible to describe
How I feel
About the absence in my life.

I’ve tried to fill it
I see others moving on
But even now
The grief I feel
Is sometimes
Very raw and real.

It’s difficult to know
What to do with
Those feelings
When they come
And is it fair 
To accept another
In my life 
When I know
My baggage can feel heavy.
Not all the time though,
And I know
I’ve found joy in other ways.
I’m not sad
Or morose,
Just aware,
And maybe it is
In the acceptance of the awareness
That I can move on.

© Gill Tembo, September 2019

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